Hey you! Been a long time. I hope you’re doing well. You know I truly believe some things are better dealt with in private, but I can certainly be flexible. So here we are. Probably long overdue.
To give you an itinerary of sorts, we’re going to walk down memory lane a bit. You’ll probably learn some things you wouldn’t have known. We’ll touch on my parents’ relationship and my dad’s passing. Ultimately it’s not about you and me. It’s not about you. It’s not about me. It never was, but that was lost along the way.
Let’s start with our short walk down memory lane, shall we? It’ll be quick, I promise! We were both there for this one, after all. So I’m nearing 40, and that makes you, what, really old at this point? (Joking! The younger one always gets to make those jokes!) But now that we are both much older, I need to ask you one thing. What in the world ever made you think, at the age of 25, that there was anything attractive about a 17-year-old? No judgment, obviously, but I will say that at 25, I can’t say I had ever looked at a 17-year-old and thought anything romantic or sexual. Even now, thinking about thinking it kind of gives me a weird, not-so-great feeling. Not a lecture, just wild to me now. Was really cool then; adult me is maybe a little weirded out by it.
Now the age thing is important because we were at different life stages. I had a whole lot of figuring myself out to do, from the mundane day-to-day stuff to the wild and crazy sex I’m thankful to have discovered and everything in between. I can honestly say I’ve grown. I sure still make mistakes, I still mess up. I still lose my temper. Never going to claim I’m something I’m not. I just wish I wasn’t sitting here trying not to make the assumption you were able to do the same.
You know how you spent so much energy painting me as psychotic? You were able to spin that just right for yourself, I’m sure. Turns out it was a volatile clash of hormone issues—so not only a fairly notable imbalance, but also an inability of the brain to handle the regular shifts and dips of the normal hormonal changes occurring throughout the month. The downside is that it feels like it never ends because it really doesn’t. It repeats itself every month. Thankfully, modern medicine is quite effective, and while it’s not perfect, it’s manageable. Knowing about it helped significantly. Understanding it helped a bit more. It took a long time to figure out, but it was life-changing. Part of learning about myself, accepting who I am, and being strong enough to manage it without letting it run my life.
Now the hard part. That night. Oh, what I would give to take it all back or to know then what I know now. See, after you left me with three kids, no house, and no car (remember, you had totaled my vehicle, swearing it was going to be fixed, and yet I scrapped it? It was actually respectable when you said I could use the financed car for the time being—until I found out you had stopped making payments on it months prior). I worked, but by the time I paid the babysitter what I had to, it really made no sense and was significantly more stress than it was worth. I was isolated, still pretty young, and you were out partying it up without a care in the world.
Did that cause my breakdown? Maybe. But most likely not. I was on medication at this point. Obviously, I had been off and on. While it wasn’t for the physical issues I would find out about later, it was fairly successful. At that point in time, I was on a fairly high dose of the antidepressant. I picked it up every month with no issue and even took it pretty regularly. One day I went to pick it up, and now the insurer wasn’t covering it. They needed documentation that two different treatments on different tiers had failed. These things take time to build up in your system—they say like four to six weeks. So I was looking at eight to twelve weeks minimum before I could get the medication I had been taking, which I knew worked fairly well. The insurance was right about the medication being expensive, so that left me with nothing. Do you happen to remember the commercials about all the different medications? They all had one thing in common: the warning not to suddenly stop the medication, and that they can cause worsening mood and suicidal thoughts and actions, especially in teens and young adults. Well, I can tell you that going from 90 mg of something a day to absolutely nothing does some things to a person, and none of them are pleasant. And you know what? Even during that period when I was crashing physically and mentally, I did every possible thing I could think of to get through the breakdown. I called the hotlines. I called family. I called friends. I called the hospital. It’s crazy to think how different things are now versus less than 20 years ago, but I was basically on my own. I may not have known what was going on, but I knew that it wasn’t good and wasn’t going to be good. And I really tried to handle it during that period of actively breaking down. Then it reached the breaking point, and it destroyed my life. But there’s one thing that you, or anybody else in this world, can never take away from me: the fact that I did every last thing I could think of to avoid the outcome. So truthfully, I’m about over being persecuted for something I had little to no control over. I didn’t choose to inherit these issues, and I don’t run from them or refuse to acknowledge or treat them. So we’re going to stop acting like I’m some psychotic piece of trash who just bailed out, okay? Good. Then we can all focus on the actual events that took place and not some assumptions or a version that sounds better for whoever.
You know, I kind of thought with time we’d mature and do what was right by our boys. Not saying that had to include being best friends because you clearly would agree with the fact that’s not a thing. I don’t think I really wanted to be your friend 3 months in and my opinion hasn’t changed. But you can’t think how this played out was in anyone’s best interest, can you? And I’d do some soul searching before you answer that.
You willingly and purposefully chose to do to our children what happened to me when I was young. It was the single most devastating event in my life up until that night. Losing a parent is not something you just get over. It’s not something that doesn’t mess a person up. And in my case - no one had a choice. He didn’t leave because he wanted to. He left because he was so sick and the cancer took him so quickly there wasn’t even time to process what was happening before it happened. I have dealt with that feeling of abandonment my whole life and it was something no one ever could have prevented.
But time out, because this is a good story tie-in moment. This is more the example I would have liked to set instead of willingly causing the pain that was done to me when I was a child. So I’m sure you know my parents were actually divorced, although it was fairly recent prior to the diagnosis and his passing. Only a year prior or so. Now my mother had every single reason in the world to hate this man. She really did. I’m not sure anyone would have blamed her if she said hey, not my problem, we’re divorced, I can’t handle this. Did she? No. She never at one point walked away from him when he was sick. They certainly weren’t best friends, but she took care of him. Got him to doctors and made sure he had as much quality time with the two of us prior to his passing. She took the breathing tube out when he was gone. She made this disgusting liver he always liked and made it even worse by blending it. Now if that last one isn’t proving something, nothing will. Point is - she didn’t do it because she loved him, although I’m sure she did because 20 years is a long time no matter what to love someone - you don’t just shut it off - she did it for my sister and me, and to set an example of what is right. She never trash talked him around us, she made sure I (Jess was over 18 already) saw him prior to the illness. She’s always been a class act and she certainly didn’t let her feelings about her relationship dictate the relationship we had with both parents.
While I totally understand there is bound to be anger and negative feelings at the beginning, I’m not quite sure they are warranted at this point. How long has it been? Really? And you are still this angry? I can’t say I’ve had any real hatred toward you for many years. Certainly sadness at how this all played out, and maybe some not-so-great thoughts now that I’m faced with the understanding that you have most likely been trash-talking me for all this time. But I don’t hate you. I do hate having to be the one to give you this top-secret information… but without me, you wouldn’t have those boys. Sure, you could have had other children, and you would have loved them. But as far as I can reason… unless you want to tell me you hate your children, then I see no reason why you should hate me. I gave you the greatest gift one person can give to another, and to be frank, I did so at the cost of my body—more so than just the expected things. Turns out the surgery didn’t heal correctly. I never had a desire to even think about it, but the chances that I could have conceived, much less carried another to term safely, were slim without surgery. And the chance of that surgery even preserving my fertility, let’s say 10 years ago, wasn’t fantastic.
Plus, sweetie pie—you wanted to do it all on your own. You wanted to play games. You wanted to create situations that I’ve explained as well as I could aren’t quite what you make them seem. I brought you to court, and you played some games with it. Even the judge had some choice words for how you just so happened to call at the last possible moment on a Friday for a court date on a Monday. Well played. You wasted everyone’s time. But what was the issue? You really couldn’t stand the idea of seeing me in court? Couldn’t give the court the opportunity to do what you damn well knew it would? I’ll never understand why any parent would willingly go out of their way to make their children have less in life, or to make their children feel abandoned by someone when they weren’t. So really—can we just agree to act our ages? Point is, for someone who wanted nothing to do with me—to the point that you were immature enough to do what you did with court—you care enough to start a manhunt because you want money? Hey, you could have just messaged me. I would have given you anything in the world for you not to do what you did and continued to do. You really should have just asked! Really, believe it or not, I would have been receptive to any type of conversation about your needs or theirs. I’m not entirely sure why you chose to go about it this way. My contact info isn’t hidden. You could have gotten it very quickly, I’m sure. Instead, you want to, what, embarrass me? I mean, I’m embarrassed about something, but I think it has more to do with your behavior and the fact that you are creeping on 50 and still acting this way. So, not that you have asked me—which would have been the easiest and quickest solution—but my rental in West Virginia ultimately fell through, and I’m just kind of existing until I can get something fitting. Unfortunately, the Shepherd does make it a little more difficult, but I certainly have rental applications out and about. And I totally will update you the moment that lease is signed so you can, in all your glory, demand money despite clearly wanting to do it on your own. And yes, the most immature thought I will probably have about this entire thing is: if you wanted to do it alone, then fucking do it alone. You destroyed my life by keeping them from me and playing court games like some scum of the earth. You most likely have severely affected them, either by setting a horrible example of how to treat people, by potentially making them think things that are by no means accurate or a fair representation of what happened, or, honestly, by probably making your own life shittier by not having another person to help with stuff. And you know what? I get that I didn’t make the right choices by letting you get away with your shit. At the time, it felt like not causing trouble was going to be better for everyone. But at the same time, I’m faced with a lot of things pointing toward the saying, “Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” And when your own girlfriend contacted my family because she was leaving you and didn’t feel like you were able to care for the kids by yourself, I should have taken that more seriously. Because I don’t think for a second it was someone who was mad at you trying to be crazy vindictive. Reflecting on it, I believe she was truly looking out, and that basically aligns with my own opinions and memories from way back when. No electricity and it’s freezing, but Mudboy has a new beater. And God forbid you say something; then it’s “like it or leave it.” Oh, how many times do you think I heard that from you? So yeah, let me leave with the three small kids in my totaled truck, without a penny—because, you know, it’s perfectly reasonable for one person to stay home and one to work, but usually that doesn’t become a scenario where the person at home has literally not a cent and basically becomes a prisoner. I hate what younger me had to deal with, because yeah, you did what you wanted because you could. I was trapped, and my opinion made no difference—even when you took itty-bitty newborns into the woods all night. And I will forever be haunted by looking back there at how their itty-bitty heads would be all over the damn place because, of course, they were newborns and couldn’t hold them up. I never should have stayed, and I should have been stronger, but none of that matters now. I wish you had grown and matured, but it’s all good. What I can promise you is that I’m not that child anymore, and you will not be able to pull the same stuff you have. I’m still amazed at how you can honestly think it’s acceptable to go out of your way to keep my children from me—and I do wonder: was that “vacation” really so spontaneous, and now you want it to be financed? I’m sorry, but you can’t have both. Do it alone or don’t. I’ve let you walk all over me for the entire relationship and every day since. I mean, it can very well be a little too late for anything anyway. I guess I’d be happy to have learned to stand up for myself way late rather than never at all.
They do say it takes a village, do they not? So okay, thankfully that’s out of my system :) And understand this - I still do not hate you. I should. But it’s a waste.
As things turned out, I was not in a situation where I would have been comfortable involving any children. Now I loved this person very much, but he went down a path that ultimately led him to do some really awful things and I was in the middle of it fully. Like, it’s bad enough going to court with a black eye, but I ended up with a destroyed leg that needed to heal. I eventually had to have surgery because of something else. I will always regret not pushing harder, but it just wasn’t going to be safe and that’s what had to be the most important thing. And for a long time after that I wasn’t okay and that took a lot of work. I truly loved this person and the trip downhill was so fast I don’t think anyone could have caught it. I went from a fairytale to police surrounding my house acting like I was going to be dead in there quicker than I’d ever think was even possible. By the time you realize how bad this shit is, it’s like when did it even turn? And the whole love thing - you want to believe it’ll get better. The choice that led them down the path will be reversed. Although now I’ll certainly regret my decisions even if they were with the intention of protecting and keeping all from harm’s way because I’m second guessing myself on what I chose to believe about their lives. But I can’t change the past and we’re gonna keep pushing forward. All anyone can do - Learn. Forgive. Heal. Grow. Take your pick.
And good news! Since we need it after that trip down memory lane… If any of the kids need help or need money, you send them to me and I just happen to have been saving money for them this whole time. Just in case. In case they showed up. In case you found your way to something better. In case something happened to me. Which in that case would go to my mother for them because unfortunately there were too many nights where we had no food or my mom had to buy formula and diapers, or the electric was shut off but you had a new beater or you didn’t miss the three nights out at the bar for pool. So while it isn’t a fortune by any means, no one is retiring tomorrow or buying a golden… I don’t know, whatever your imagination can think of… they are certainly old enough to be able to choose what to do with it whether that be a vehicle, college, or a freaking mission trip to some third world country. I don’t care what they use it for, but it is theirs as far as I am concerned. I cannot stress the fact I am more than happy to help them with any need or even want or desire they have.
See how easy this could have been all these years? Instead of wasting time embarrassing yourself and showing your large following that you can’t quite manage the easiest solution by using your words and just not holding on to some anger that - truthfully I feel like if anyone should be able to hold it, it wouldn’t be you. I mean I’m sorry, but I’m gonna say that’s not even in a debatable category of facts.
I hope you heal one day and find whatever it is you’re missing in your life that has made you so angry. Life is too short. We were kids back then… or well, I was a kid back then, you were well into adulthood… and it saddens me greatly to know you haven’t found happiness. Because I can’t imagine you’re a happy person holding on to this much. You didn’t have to do it alone but you chose to and then you played really stupid games to keep it this way. I don’t even understand that since from what I heard - when your girlfriend (or whatever she is to you, I don’t know, maybe wife, maybe nothing, I don’t stalk y’all) got a hold of my family to acknowledge the fact you were kind of not the best parent by any means. I mean that’s a big thing coming from your partner, or at least partner at that point in time. (Sorry I know I touched on this above but I’ve added and edited over a few days. I kept it as organized as possible I swear!)
And since we’re on this subject… if you still are with her then please, I do owe her an apology. I was rude and disrespectful and she didn’t deserve my anger at all. And truthfully I will always be grateful for anything and everything she has done for them. Or anyone else for that matter. I obviously can’t take back the words I said back then, but I regret it and I wish things could be different. Again, doubt we’d all be great friends, but I certainly would have liked to get to know her and yeah. I’m sorry. It was really messed up of me to say the things I did and to be nasty to someone who did nothing wrong.
And Dave - I don’t have it in me to hate you. And truthfully you probably taught me a hell of a lot about life. You taught me not to settle. You taught me to never depend on a man for anything in life, which has served me pretty well. You wouldn’t believe this, but somewhere along the line I started getting way interested in vehicles and fixing them. I basically do anything on my car, with some guidance as necessary since I still get frustrated as anything when I can’t break the damn bolts loose on something. I imagine that had to have started as a spark way back when. Sometimes I still even laugh to myself about you showing me how to do the wheel bearings on my 250 and your side failing like pretty quickly after. You were still a huge part of my life whether it was all great or all bad or all in between. I still loved you at one point and I have probably never loved someone as much as the times I brought our kids into this world because I couldn’t have done that without you.
But hey - maybe it’s time for you to figure out some of your issues. And I say it in the nicest way possible, but really being this angry and, come to think of it… this type of vindictive person I’m starting to see (that I truly don’t ever remember you being.) I mean maybe you were, but I just don’t recall it being a thing. I believe when we hold all that negativity in our souls it absolutely will affect us physically - and no I’m not some new age hippie whatever, but I do believe we are complicated beings and stuff like that can have long-term consequences. I mean my dad was a miserable ass who was angry at the world and while it probably had something to do with all the beer and cigarettes and genetics or anything else… he died at 48. And even if it’s in the cards for you or me or anyone else - why the heck would you want to spend that short period of time wasting energy on some stupid negativity that, if you look deep enough, is probably not even justified.
I’m not your enemy. I don’t consider you to be mine. It’s never too late to be different and to choose something better.
And I purposely am not addressing our children through this. I’d never do that in any way other than privately. I wouldn’t be doing this in any way other than privately, but you set the stage for that one. Whether they read this—I mean, I hope not, but obviously that’s the issue with anything public. They are certainly old enough to make their own decisions, and I’m sure intelligent enough to do so as well.
And dear—thank you for doing this. It was exactly what I needed. And really, you have quite a few good people in your social circle who went out of their way to get ahold of me and tell me what you did. While I don’t know if they respected my request to continue on like they hadn’t talked to me for a few days so I could process and think about what I wanted to do, I’m always super happy to see people being able to call out other people’s shit. So I do thank those who got in touch. And I’ll apologize for someone who contacted you to “help you out.” I mean, you did say thank you, so I guess it was super helpful. (I’m sorry, but it wasn’t helpful.)
Feel free to message me. I’ll give you my number if you’d like to practice the adult way of communication. Until then… best wishes, and take care.